Inevitably many marriages-partnerships-relationships slip away from early expectations and hopes and the initial excitement/love grinds to the marrow. When is it time to find a marriage counselor? I’ll share some guidelines for how it looks to me. We’ll start with some of the worst situations and move through the merely bad ones, and head toward the better times.
Nope. It’s time to separate and work with separate counselors until the abuser and abusee’s problems are resolved. Then and only then does marriage counseling make sense.
Not yet, dealing with the addiction in the one and co-dependant issues in the other needs to get started first before marriage counseling has much of a chance to be effective.
Yes, go for marriage counseling, but it will need to be long term and in-depth around the issues of commitment, trust and distrust, acceptance of personal responsibility, forgiveness, and the option of creating a new understanding and contract for the relationship. Sometimes the person who’s had the affair wants the offended partner to get over it and get back to the way things were quickly. Doesn’t work. It takes time to deal with the depth of damage and the healing-rebuilding process for the relationship to really have a chance.
Even then, counseling is worth a try as dividing the pictures and ending a marriage is immensely painful and difficult. And keep in mind, divorce doesn’t end a relationship, it just changes it. You’ll likely stay related in some way because of children, friends, families, investments, etc. So whether you end up divorcing or not, it can help you get along better during whatever direction the process moves. Communication counseling can benefit you and the others around you in the long haul.
Yes, often. When a couple in that situation and I are considering a counseling contract, I find out what their levels of interest are in staying in or getting out of the marriage. Their interests are rarely the same and they usually haven’t talked much about them. Often one wants in and the other wants out.
The “in” wants the counselor to help save the marriage and puts whatever pressure possible on the “out” to maintain their “original commitment” (which is, in fact, now gone). The “out” won’t agree to working to put the marriage back together because “I’ve had enough pain and want out,” though often, the “out” person may see a counseling session as a way to get some help saying that and getting the message through.
How can marriage counseling be useful in a complicated situation like that? It can work if the two parties will commit to a period of experimenting and learning together, rather than either putting the relationship back together or dissolving it.
The first goal I suggest is the experimental part, to find out if improving their communication will resolve their painful issues, if the residual hurts and anger can be relieved, if warmth and caring can return for both, if they begin again to enjoy being with each other, and if both can look forward to a future together.
The second goal is learning how to improve their individual abilities to communicate and especially, to listen better. This result of the counseling can increase their chances of success in any and all of their current and future relationships. A most worthwhile life skill goal.
My experience tells me that after a period of time they will come for a counseling session and it will be clear. On the one hand they might say, “We’ve discovered we enjoy being together and we’re ready now to work on the marriage that we both want.” Sometimes they don’t say that verbally, but they discuss planning a big vacation, a remodel, or a house purchase. After noticing their enthusiasm, I ask, “Does this conversation suggest that you’ve decided something about staying together?” They look a little sheepish, grin and nod. Then we shift the counseling towards an on-going improvement mode.
Or, on the other hand, one comes in with a facial expression that says to me, “It’s over.” And I ask what’s changed. We get it on the table and move to deal with the dissolution. They may continue counseling to dissolve the marriage amicably and work out some of the separation and children issues. Whether the marriage stays or goes, the counseling increases their ability to communicate and get along better with themselves and others.
Is it time for a marriage counselor, if the two of you are considering divorce?
Yep. Often divorce comes too soon as the reality of the marriage to this partner gets compared to the unreality of a possible future one with a “better partner.” One psychologist says that in every marriage there are ten things you like and ten things you don’t like about your mate. In a new relationship, no matter how great on the front end, there will be ten things you like and ten you don’t. You simply trade in one set for another (and many of which may be similar to the ones you got rid of). So it makes sense that, if with some work with a marriage counselor, you can figure a way to build a growth producing, enjoyable relationship with your present partner, go for it. It will be worth the effort and make both your lives a lot less complicated.
The idea that a new relationship will be better is also questionable, because you take one of the participants of the “old-non-functioning” relationship along with you. Often folks who get divorced too quickly and move on do not do the work to understand their part of the failed relationship. Without such self learning, they’re likely doomed to make the same mistakes again.
Yes, beat a quick path to a good marriage counselor before any of them get worse, because without some clear action, they will.
You bet. There are tons of reasons relationships get stale and need a little refreshing breeze. The two of you may not want to rock the boat, so you start putting your issues on the back burner and stop talking about them. Your kids leave home and you don’t know what to do with each other and or what to say to each other. You only talk about dull organizational details and you don’t have fun together. The sex dries up and you don’t look forward to seeing each other. Boredom sets in. A marriage counselor can help you bring light to bear on your relationship and so you can breath life into it again.
Or you might take a communication workshop together, get involved in a relationship-enhancing program, reading a personal or relationship growth book together, or break out of your routine, travel, see a play/movie, try a different restaurant or sport, or do something really surprising and odd (often). But most important, discuss together your reactions to these new ideas or activities.
Shopping for a marriage counselor
Network, ask your friends, your doctor, your minister, the person next to you on your commute, but ask everyone you know or meet for recommendations. They may have been to one or several counselors or know people who have. Be open to trying several. You want to find one who works for you, and remember, you are hiring them to work for you, not the reverse.
So, find one:
Who works for you, that is, with whom both of you are comfortable
Who doesn’t take sides for or against either of you
Who is engaged with you, not just sitting back and watching you
Who helps you each understand and accept each other better
Who helps you give up patterns that don’t work and replaces them with ones that do
Who works with you rather than hands down wisdom or answers
Who teaches you to listen rather than lets you argue
Who gives you tools and homework assignments
Who teaches you to problem solve your own issues
Do not stay with a counselor unless the two of you are getting engaged more deeply with each other. Let the counselor know what is or isn’t working for you. Get clear what kind of help you want and review with the counselor what progress you are making. You are hiring the counselor to help accomplish your goals, not to satisfy the counselor.
Calling a marriage counselor
On the average woman pay closer attention to how a relationship is working than men do. They are usually the first to initiate conversations over the need for improving relationships.
And the discussions don’t usually go very well. She says, “We need to talk. I think we need to see a marriage counselor.” The guy translates, “She’s going to tell me how much I’m doing wrong and get a counselor to side with her in getting me to do what she wants.”
Guys on the other hand are usually happy if they are not getting yelled at too much and if the sex isn’t cut off. However, sometimes the guy initiates the conversation about the counselor, but not often. Whether female or male, the most frustrated one calls me. And because the talks with the spouse didn’t go well, the caller is already insecure and unsure about how much the other cares about the relationship and may already have asked the spouse, “Honey, do you think our relationship is going okay? Don’t you think we ought to see a counselor?” You can guess the answer, “Our relationship is fine. We don’t need to pay someone a lot of money to tell us what to do. Just quit complaining and things will be fine.”
The caller tells me they really need help but he/she’s sure the mate won’t come for counseling, and what’s more doesn’t care about the marriage. I listen through the report about the asking conversation and groan inwardly. Sounded like asking a nine year old if he wanted go to a dentist and get his teeth drilled. No wander the answer was, “No.” The asker clearly had a flat brain and forgot the EHJ and Decision Making sections of the book. And note that the asker shared nothing about his/her concerns, desires, or pains and did not ask clearly for what he/she wanted of the spouse.
So, I give a quick phone lesson in asking. First, you tell your spouse you have something you really want to talk over and want to do it when you both are rested and ready, then or within a day’s time. Second, you say, “I am really unhappy with the communication in our relationship and want you to go with me to see a counselor whose specialty is communication.” It’s not your fault for mine, but our communication isn’t working. This is important to me and I assume that you care about me and our marriage and so will go with me. I’ll make the appointment and we’ll check the person out to see if we can both are comfortable.” If your spouse says, “No,” then you indicate that you’ll not cooperate in the marriage until they do. I have had so few spouses who would not come in that I can’t even remember one (of course that may be my fuzzy old memory). Incidentally, we practice on the phone until the caller can say it like he/she means it.